BtVS Drabble Prompt: Triple
Aug. 12th, 2009 09:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
garnigalWhite walls, white floor, white clothes, stainless steel furniture reflecting white on white on white in a recurring spiral of bland and boring.
Cool air, but damp. The air conditioning is set extra high down here, and they keep turning on the water to rinse something away. Trying to keep the whites white.
Metal taste in the air. Not coppery, that would be too obvious. Does steel have a flavour?
Antiseptic lingers on the tongue like vomit. Bitter and strong and inescapable.
And Buffy yearns to scream as his black pen scratches out ‘Summers, Joyce’ on white pages. In triplicate.
Cool air, but damp. The air conditioning is set extra high down here, and they keep turning on the water to rinse something away. Trying to keep the whites white.
Metal taste in the air. Not coppery, that would be too obvious. Does steel have a flavour?
Antiseptic lingers on the tongue like vomit. Bitter and strong and inescapable.
And Buffy yearns to scream as his black pen scratches out ‘Summers, Joyce’ on white pages. In triplicate.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-08-13 01:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-08-13 04:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-08-13 02:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-08-13 04:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-08-13 06:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-08-13 12:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-08-13 06:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-08-13 12:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-08-13 03:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-08-13 03:41 pm (UTC)I mean, thank you so much for reading. I tend to fight with the open_on_sunday prompts right to the bitter end, so it's nice to hear when it really works for someone.
no subject
Date: 2009-08-14 12:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-08-14 01:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-08-14 12:41 am (UTC)First line, you have a lot of angular things mentioned, 90 degrees, walls, floor, furniture made of steel... then you say recurring spiral, which is round. I'd like to find a word that will keep that rectangular repetition going. Reflecting starts bringing the sensory input-eyes in, which is good, but could be stronger (like your later taste/smell ones descriptions)
Second line focus on the feeling of the damp air and the sound of the water... keep up that sensory theme.
Also, if this is a hospital scene focusing on Joyce's death, then I would change the focus of the fourth line to be something like Antiseptic clinging to the back of the throat or roof of the mouth, maybe not even use the vomit comparison, because that is a different taste all together, sour and cloying. Bitter, strong and inescapable is fine, I'm just not loving the vomit part.
If the focus of the piece is to be on the triple or number three, it's not coming through because it's really only mentioned at the end. Not sure if it was the main focus of the piece.
no subject
Date: 2009-08-14 03:04 am (UTC)I really take the prompt loosely, so I'm not worried that it was only mentioned at the end.
I think I'll rewrite it (without the word count limitation) and send it to you to see if the new version is stronger. It'll be good practice.